Sun, 24 Jul 1994 18:25:44          alt.slack                Thread    1 of    1
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The Brag of the Female SubGenius
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modemac@netcom.com  Eric Walker at NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 2

[Excerpted from THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL, No. 41 & 42, Vol. 17, 1989.)

        BRAG OF THE FEMALE SUBGENIUS

        by Magistra Batrix/Magus Coyote

("...Discovered graven with a rock-bore laser into the floors of
Mohenjo-Daro, under three feet of fossilized kitchen-midden, in Linear-B
script.")

(Channeled in a sexy contralto, with interjected purrs, moans, sighs, etc.)

"*I'M THE INFRA-RED WOMAN!*  I've got the Beast of the Abyss between MY
legs!  I'm tighter than a CONSTIPATED SCOTSMAN in a PAY-TOILET!  I've got
muscles in my snatch that haven't even been EVOLVED yet!  I make the
Virgin Mary look like the Grand Canyon!  You can run *DEEP*, but with ME
you *CAN'T* run silent!  I'll make you HOWL SO LOUD, they'll be GREEN-EYED
on the *MOON!*  The New Age was INVENTED just for me - I WORE THE *OLD*
ONE *OUT!*  *I* put the MAGICK in Sex-Magick!  I SHOCKED *ALEISTER
CROWLEY* and made the LAST TEN POPES give up their vows!  Who do you
think SAPPHO wrote all those POEMS to?  I'm SO GOOOOOD, I made the Great
Stone Face come *THREE TIMES* - and he doesn't even EXIST from the neck
down!  I make Linda Lovelace look like a STORE-WINDOW DUMMY with
LOCKJAW!  Come on and GIVE me AIDS, baby - I'll recombine it with my
*OWN* E. COLI plastids and turn it into *VENEREAL MESCALINE!*  I sweat
nectar and menstruate ambrosia, I pee milk and honey, and I shit Cakes of
Light!  When I take off MY clothes, fist-fights break out all over Mount
Olympus!  I've got more swing in my hips than the San Francisco
Earthquake!  I'm *BITCHY!*  I'm shrill and I'm *NASTY!*  I'm a *REAL*
shrew!  Mad rapists run screaming for help to the RAPE CRISIS CENTER when
they see *ME* coming!  I gave the Anti"Bob" back his OWN VD and turned
him into a *RADICAL FEMINIST!*  When I'M in heat, they come for MILES
around for a try at me - dogs, cats, wolves, bears, randy goats, 12-point
bucks, pterodactyls, and swallow-tail butterflies right alongside the
men!  *I DO IT WITH BASILISKS!*  FRODO beat the shit out of DOPEY, SNEEZY
AND DOC just so HE could get into my flower garden!  They'll never stick
THUS cunt in a kitchen - unless that's where it WANTS to be!  I NEVER pay
taxes - the government pays *ME* to WEAR OUT THE *WORK FORCE!*  I don't
charge MONEY for it, honey - *I* charge *SLACK!*  When they call ME a
BITCH, I just *BARK RIGHT BACK* at 'em!  I *CREATED* Time Control,
darlin' - if you've got FIVE MINUTES, I'll give you an AEON of *SHEER
ECSTASY!*  Nuclear power plants hide in SHAME when *I* go by!  *MY*
snatch glows in BROAD DAYLIGHT!  *I'M* the reason Cuban Supermen were
INVENTED!  I made the Premier of the USSR sing "Alright By Me in America"
and *MEAN* it!  I fucked the Devil into Heaven, and Saint Peter into
Hell!  I took on the Flaming Sword of the Archangel Michael, and PUT IT
OUT!  THE FIGHTIN' JESUS GAVE UP FIGHTING to have one more go with ME!
The Blob got hard as a rock, thick as a brick, and stiff as steel at the
mere SIGHT of MY sweet thang!  You heard the *XISTS* are coming?  WELL,
*I'M* THE *REASON*, DARLIN'!  I'm a FUSION REACTOR, baby - *LET'S FUSE!*
I'm so hot, I fart pure ambergris and I PISS CHAMPAGNE!  HAL 9000 BLEW
HIS FUSES over ME!  *I* made the *BAD "BOB"* say PLEASE AND THANK YOU!  I
made an *HONEST MAN* of RICHARD NIXON and then put *HORNS* on him with
HENRY KISSINGER!  I'M the reason *ELVIS* is *GOD!*  And who do you think
pulls HOWDY-DOODY'S strings, hmmm?  *I* put put the STARCH in Priapus's
PECKER!  Elijah Muhummad *FOUND DOBBS* and started a Clench in
Cincinatti, after one night with ME!  I blow the tops out of
THERMOMETERS!  I make TAXI-METERS run BACKWARDS!  You've heard of Black
Holes?  Well, come on up and see me sometime, sweetheart, and I'll show
YOU a Naked Singularity!  I put the "collapse" in collapsars!  *I GIVE
GREEN STAMPS!*  I don't *SHAVE* under my arms - I *MOW*...when I don't
*BRAID!*  I left my NECTAR on the *WASHINGTON MONUMENT* and *DOUCHED* with
the MISSISSIPPI RIVER!  I don't catch *CRABS* - I catch *MOUNTAIN
LIONS!*  So *STEP ASIDE*, all you slab-sided, prune-faced, whey-fleshed,
dishrag-cunnied, androphobic, *GYNO*phobic, *SARCE*phobic, *BIO*phobic,
paint-covered, latex-armored, beehive-hairdo'ed, pinch-browed,
antiseptic, chemical-stenched, stilt-heeled, pucker-butted *GUNNYSACKS OF
WEASEL-JERKY!*  I can out-think, outwit, out-joke, and out-FUCK any
*FIFTY* men...and ANY *500* PINKS!  *I* fold, staple, spindle, and
mutilate whole *BUREAUCRACIES!*  I don't just holler and yell - I BREAK
WINDOWS and SHATTER CHANDELIERS *TWENTY COUNTIES UPWIND* when I start
feeling good!  I make a FOOL of myself with STYLE!  *I SET TRENDS!*  I
have SENATORS for familiars!  The American Academy for the Advancement of
Science made telepathy *ILLEGAL* and and declared PSYCHOKINESIS a *MORTAL
SIN*, thanks to me!  I put the "Mo" in "Mojo" - and then TOOK IT OUT
again!  When *I* pass by, geldings turn back into stallions and STEERS go
after LOCOMOTIVES!  *I INVENTED SIN*, honey!  *I'M* the reason that being
*BAD* feels SOOOO GOOOOOD...  When the Incredible Hulk butt-fucked ME, I
pyroflatulated him into the NEXT COUNTY!  I'm quadruple-jointed!  *I*
make octopi look *ARTHRITIC!*  *REAL MEN PAY* to *CATCH VD* from ME!  I
don't get zits; I break out in BON-BONS and ECLAIRS!  I leak ELIXIR VITAL
by the *GALLON!*  You heard that Hitler had only one ball?  GUESS WHY.
Bend all the spoons you WANT, honey; *I* straightened URI GELLER'S tool
with MY unaided ESP, and stroked off the DALAI LAMA with ONE IDLE
THOUGHT!  When I bat my eyelashes, MONKS pew away their LAST CHANCES AT
HEAVEN!  Nuns AND junkies give up their HABITS for me!  I drove the
*WHORE OF BABYLON* out of business!  Astarte invented aphrodisiacs just
to KEEP UP with me!  I am a mink in heat, I am a Tyrannosaurus Regina on
the MAKE, I make *JAWS* look like a Small-Mouthed Bass!  A Black Hole is
a *CONVEX* compared to me, and once you TRY me, you'll think the Big Bang
is nothing but a WET FIRECRACKER!  I BEND in places where MOST women
don't even HAVE places!  I am a walking, talking, strutting, balling
*VOLCANO!*  I PRE-EMPTED Our Lady of Fatima!  UFOSs fight to see which
one gets to have a Close Encounter with ME!  Prophets give up their
VISIONS for just one LOOK at me!  *JOHN THE BAPTIST* came back to life to
give *ME* some of his head!  *I CREATED DNA!*  Where do you think Calvin
Klein got his genes?  You think YOU'RE Illuminated?  *I* make
thermonuclear blasts look like the INSIDE OF A DARKROOM!  The Buddha
TRADED IN NIRVANA for me!  The TREE OF LIFE! is watered with MY nectar!
I eat the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil for a
BETWEEN-MEALS SNACK!  They had to invent a WHOLE NEW SIGN in the ZODIAC
just for me: *CLITTIS, THE PORNOGRAM!*  You wouldn't BELIEVE the aspects
to *MY* Nodes, darlin' - my chart's got ALL the Angles!  HEISENBERG came
up with the UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE after he met *ME!*  They had to invent
NON-EUCLIDIAN GEOMETRY just to describe MY curves!  Where do you think
the camel got his *HUMP?*  I'M the reason for the billy-goat's Horn!
*I'M* THE ONE WHO FUCKS 'EM WHEN THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE - and makes 'em
SMILE AGAIN!  I'm SO weird, the Discordians join the REPUBLICAN PARTY in
SHEER SELF-DEFENSE!  I put the "Libertine" into "Libertarian"!  I make
*ELVIS* look *DULL!*  I'm the reason the Second Coming is TAKING SO LONG
- Jesus hasn't recuperated from his FIRST one with me yet!  I'm the Queen
of Heaven, the Dark Lady of Space, the Lovely Black Star of the Sea!  I'm
on cave walls, in the Temple of Karnak, on the walls of Pompei and the
CATHEDRAL OF NOTRE DAME!  *I'M IN THE PRE-SCRIPTURES!*  *JEHOVAH-1* burns
INCENSE to *ME!*  I'm..."

[floor runs out]